She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
