He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
