can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize