Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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