had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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