The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
