so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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