So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
