Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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