So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
