There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
