I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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