My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize