we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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