hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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