Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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