Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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