When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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