I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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