I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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