; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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