Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
