I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
