At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
