ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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