Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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