I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
