Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
