You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
