went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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