you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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