Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You are a genius and a whore.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
