I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
