I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
