News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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