can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
