god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
