I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
