I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
