Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
