i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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