look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
