I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
