Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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