is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
