It's Friday. Sex?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
