I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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