Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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