Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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