this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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