I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
