Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
