You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The uberlube is also flammable
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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