I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
