In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize