Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
