Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I deserve this hangover.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
