Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
