if i can run in heels then i can drive
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
