If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
