so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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