Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
