I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
