look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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