Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize