I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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