Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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